Girl Code?

Shakti

New member
You may have heard "girl rules" or the male version the "bro code". These sets of "rules" are common knowledge social rules.

The reason I am bringing this up is because of a problem I had with person who was a friend and someone who I had collaborated with on a couple dance projects. Well the more I got to know her, I felt she was just using me to further her own "image/reputation" (since she was new in town) and (behind my back) promoting this to others taking all the credit for our project based on a style that she has no expertise in but is capable to learn the choreo. Our dance community is not really very large. Out of 3 area teachers they maybe have 5 students each. But for area haflas about 20 to 100 people attend as spectators. Only mentioning this because there is no "empire" to be gained. While occasionally there is a paying gig, having your only income from bellydance is not an option locally. It is what I would think of to be a typical bellydance community, people bonding through dance, making friends and having fun. There is no restaurant to dance in, only community events that anyone who wants to perform in can do so. My point being, there is nothing to really to gain by alienating anyone in the community. So, adding up the her actions through a time of a few months I felt the need to back out of our project. I never talked to her after that until 6 months later, when I found out she was emailing and calling my husband.....for a most "innocent" and BS reason. He never responded to her. The reason she gave for doing this was so absurd it defies logic. If she was really honest about her intentions, she was looking for an excuse to irritate and hurt me.

I have told a few close friends and they agree she broke the "girl code".

When she first moved to the area she was asked to leave the other 2 teachers classes because she was talking
to their students promoting her upcoming classes. I found this out while
confiding this info to another area friend and teacher.
I feel odd about telling every waking soul in the community about her contacting my husband, but I really do not want her to be a part of a once happy and peaceful dance community. Has your
dance community ever had experience
with such an toxic individual? How do you deal with it? Another thing that is irritating is the teachers who asked her to leave their classes are so nice to her face, when I see her I just ignore her. Any experience that you wish to share about a bellydance community toxic situation?
 
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Shakti

New member
@Zorba
Same thing as guy code. Often unspoken rules, Guy rules, 'regulating' accetablility of social behaviors like dating friends ex, hugging in public, no eye contact in bathrooms, ect. Some are written down if you do a key word search on them.
 

khanjar

New member
I second Zorba wtf is the bro code ? Never heard of of
it and if something similar exists with the other side of humanity, like wtf ?

And if it is the unspoken, unheard forms of communication, then it is lost on me anyway, as that stuff totally eludes me and to think on this if such crap exists, it is pretty dishonest and so I would keep clear anyway. Know it, male or female, I treat you same, as if you were humans, not potential mates or enemies, as I do not subscribe to the hairy hunter primitive mentality.

But as to the OP, all I can think of is petty power struggles, someone wants to be top dog, as to how to deal with that kind of person, well me, I ignore them unless they have some useful input, other than that, I let them go, let them do what they need to do and reap what they may, but I can see through petty power struggles. As to others they are their own master, either they also know or have yet to learn and let others learn I say, because one thing is for sure, humanity does not learn by humanity's mistakes for there is always a variation on what led to failure that some feel they they can always circumvent.
 

Zorba

"The Veiled Male"
And if it is the unspoken, unheard forms of communication, then it is lost on me anyway, as that stuff totally eludes me and to think on this if such crap exists, it is pretty dishonest and so I would keep clear anyway. Know it, male or female, I treat you same, as if you were humans, not potential mates or enemies, as I do not subscribe to the hairy hunter primitive mentality.
Not much to add to this excellent observation.
 

khanjar

New member
@Zorba
Same thing as guy code. Often unspoken rules, Guy rules, 'regulating' accetablility of social behaviors like dating friends ex, hugging in public, no eye contact in bathrooms, ect. Some are written down if you do a key word search on them.
Wow, more unwritten rules to further regulate humanity into predictable neat little boxes, is spontaneity alien to such people or is that regulated by unwritten codes too ? I can't help but think militarism features much in some civilian societies and believe me after nigh on ten years in the military, I had a belly full of rules, and because of it, perhaps it is why I resist rules blatant or unwritten now and that, because I know they enslave.
 

Aniseteph

New member
I'm not in that sort of community and haven't had to deal with it, but...

Another thing that is irritating is the teachers who asked her to leave their classes are so nice to her face, when I see her I just ignore her.
What do you think they should do - shun her?

She did something unacceptable in their classes and they dealt with it. Maybe they feel that now she is out of their immediate circle she's no longer their problem and they can afford to be civil and get along if they meet. Professional performers and teachers need to be careful of getting involved in stirring up drama.

...I really do not want her to be a part of a once happy and peaceful dance community.
Lots of things happen that we don't want. But what are you going to do? Start telling people she has done XYZ, and whatever the truth is you just look like the toxic gossip-monger trying to turn people against her. Personally I wouldn't want to have anything to do with a community that took serious notice of that kind of gossip and hearsay.

IMO it's better to concentrate on protecting yourself, having a discreet word with any close friends who look like they are in danger of being affected by her behaviour, and otherwise letting her to stand or fall in the community based on her own behaviour.
 

khanjar

New member
Perhaps people that appear to be toxic are sent to test us, perhaps hold that in mind to temper otherwise reactive decisions.
 

Farasha Hanem

New member
I agree with Khanjar and Anisteph, Shakti. My grandmother always said, "What goes around, comes around." I'm sorry she took advantage of you like that, that was unkind and ungrateful. But people like that get their just desserts sooner or later (although sometimes we wish it was sooner!). Others have already figured her out. Don't lower yourself to her level; just let her continue to hang herself.

I say all this out of love because I know you're a good person, Shakti. Keep your integrity, and don't let her get to you. *hugshugs*
 

Crow

New member
FYI, the "Bro Code" had its origins on the sitcom "How I met your mother", and was the code by which the character Barney Stinson lived. It is, of course, meant to be a humorous take on male chauvinism. It has such pearls as:

Article 5 : Whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports.

Or, the longer...

Article 10: A Bro will drop whatever he's doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick
It's normal for a Bro to get confused and disorientated when dumping a chick. For some reason he's worried she'll become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to have sex with her friends. This is when a Bro most needs his Bro to remind him that there are plenty more chicks in the ocean, and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming.

SIDE-BRO: HOW TO DUMP A CHICK IN SIX WORDS OR LESS
"Maybe try a side salad instead"
"Cute! You're growing a mustache, too!"
"She looks like a younger you"
"I will finance a boob job"
"Sorry I threw out your shoes"
"Your sister let me do that"
 

Duvet

New member
Someone was taking credit for what you viewed as a joint effort but with the more valuable input coming from you. You’ve later heard that this person has also used other teacher classes in order to promote her own. You distanced yourself from her, but now believe she has been trying to undermine some other aspect of your life, from what you suspect is due to spite. Such people exist in all areas of life, in all jobs, men and women. They are not peculiar to the dance community, and the best advice is to learn from it and not get caught up with her agenda.

But if you backed out of the project, and then didn’t speak to her for 6 months, does she know how you felt? In such a small dance community did other people think that odd? And now you are starting to tell people that she is hitting on your husband, and getting irritated that other people are being nice to her. There is a danger here that you will start to look the baddy. If it is such a small, happy, supportive dance community, then your own reputation is more important than hers. It is best to maintain that community through behaving in that way, and let her tarnish her own reputation (which from what you say, she is already doing).

The girl code bit – is this the contacting your husband? Since he’s ignored her, and told you, do you have anything to worry about? You are actually just spreading gossip about yourself, not her. What are you annoyed at? This, or the feeling that she used you?
 
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Darshiva

Moderator
You'd be surprised at the number of people who have that info - along with their real name and other personal details - on facebook. And we all know what facebook thinks about privacy. ;)
 

Zorba

"The Veiled Male"
You'd be surprised at the number of people who have that info - along with their real name and other personal details - on facebook. And we all know what facebook thinks about privacy. ;)
Yea - and I think the whole Internet knows what I think about Face***k...
 

Jane

New member
I thought the "girl code" thing was more about women respecting each others boundaries when it came to relationships and dating.

-don't date your friend's ex
-talk to your friend first if you're interested romantically in one of their family members
-don't poach other women's men
-chicks before d!cks

That kind of stuff. Shakti, your issue with this woman sounds just like regular ethics. You can't control other people's behavior, you can only control your reaction to it. Hold your head high and this too shall pass. Truth will out!
 

khanjar

New member
FYI, the "Bro Code" had its origins on the sitcom "How I met your mother", and was the code by which the character Barney Stinson lived. It is, of course, meant to be a humorous take on male chauvinism. It has such pearls as:

Article 5 : Whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports.

Or, the longer...

Article 10: A Bro will drop whatever he's doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick
It's normal for a Bro to get confused and disorientated when dumping a chick. For some reason he's worried she'll become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to have sex with her friends. This is when a Bro most needs his Bro to remind him that there are plenty more chicks in the ocean, and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming.

SIDE-BRO: HOW TO DUMP A CHICK IN SIX WORDS OR LESS
"Maybe try a side salad instead"
"Cute! You're growing a mustache, too!"
"She looks like a younger you"
"I will finance a boob job"
"Sorry I threw out your shoes"
"Your sister let me do that"
That's what worries me, how entertainment is teaching society and confirmation of an idea artists do educate via art and with that perhaps the rebel that an artist can be and why society in general is untrusting of artists.
 
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