Emma_Williams

Yes always the drama queen i know but i have a problem.....

When I started this ME dance nearly 2 years ago i had no idea how much I would fall in love with it. I was so happy to find a hobby which was not just a hobby but 'my thing'. It has now become what my friedns associate me with. All my other friends were known for their activities ie one was a top judo sportsman, one was known for her talent on the harp, one is known for her graphic design achievements and awards. This was MY thing which I loved. I performed at a hafla the other day and one of my girl friends turned and said i want to get fit and do something in the evening coz i am bored can i come belly dancing with you next time...

Then something happened...i found myself trying to put her off....saying it was far etc, needed commitment etc etc. I was really miffed in two ways. One in a 'your trying to steal my thing way' which i know is selfish and horrible but the main thing was 'its not just a bit of fun this to me is my life' and i felt like she was seeing it on the same level as an aerobics class.

I felt horrible for feeling these things towards a fab mate.

Why have I become so protective over it, why do i not want my very good friend to come. I dont think so much it is stealking my thunder but i think its because i feel like i need to show how serious i am and everyone else joining will make me feel like it is a social club.

Help please i am feeling a right meany...I am supposed to promote ME dance not discourage it....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

lizaj

If you are dancing in a troupe or with friends then you are right to be reticent. After all it is not your decision alone to foist a newcomer on an established group of dancers who have become close friends themselves.

What your friend might needs to do is go to classes and establish her own group of dance friends with that. If she has no belly dance experience she must go to class IMNSHO.

The other way is to discuss her inclusion with your current dance-group.

You are not being selfish, you have others to consider in a request like this. Those others may resent you bringing a friend along and you need to be sure this isn't the case. If everything is going OK for you in your current set-up, you don't want to rock boats but bringing along a new element.

If you feel bad , as you obviously do, sit down and discuss the situation with your current dance-mates and with her seperately. See what it is she wants out of the dance, does it concur with what you and your friends want? what is the level of her interest in the dance? her experience (not necessarily standard)?, her knowledge of your style? will she fit in with any ideas you all have?
Any doubts and you have to say no to somebody who might spoil things ..on the other hand you have a responsibilty not to kill the enthusiasm. You need to be able to suggest alternatives.

Kharis

Are you talking class here or her wanting to join your troupe? You do not specificy. If it's coming along to dance class, then you cannot get precious about that. I understand your enthusiasm... most of us serious about the dance feel that same enthusiasm but it's not our place to block others from enjoying it too... even if we do suspect they won't take it seriously. She may just give it a whirl and leave after a few weeks. If you try to stop her, it will only cause bad feeling....why put yourself through that?

Unfortunately, I suspect it is about you feeling as though something unique to you and something you are good at, could potentially be overshadowed by a close friend.

All my other friends were known for their activities ie one was a top judo sportsman, one was known for her talent on the harp, one is known for her graphic design achievements and awards. This was MY thing which I loved.

This kind of says it all. You feel as though they have something that makes them unique and special, and now you have something that you want to keep exclusive to you for the same reasons. It's kind of natural in a way...but not good either. I think you know this, deep down.

Sharing is vital for all of us. Be in our everyday lives, the dance, teaching, etc. Don't fear. Nobody can take away the uniqueness that is you. Nobody will ever dance like you....just as you will never dance like someone else. The most wonderful thing about this dance, is that is can offer this to us..the chance to shine and express ourselves as individuals.

Emma_Williams

what a great bit of advice as always thanks Liz! She does not want to join my tribal troupe/set up but she wants to come along to my weekly class on a Monday. I dont mind this but i like to take it seriously and not takl during the class etc etc. I know my friend well and i know she is likely to get the giggle sometimes or to maybe be more vocal in a lesson then i am. She has no belly dance experience and i had to tell her to calm down a bit at the hafla because she was grinding and dancing almost stripperish as she thought that was how you moved in BD despite just watching a 2 hr hafla. Then again the poor girl was probably tres confused as one routine was a burlesque/almost strip dance!!!

I might suggest she finds a teacher more in her area and help her to establish her own dance life. I know it will be comfier for her to go with me as it can be scary your first lesson but i dont want the responsibility or her potentially ruining my lessons if she doesnt commit or pulls out of a performance etc etc. I have always loved my dance life because it is totally seperate from my family and long standing friends. My belly family is seperate and i have always loved this.

dreamthief666

i do understand where your coming from, i hate classes billed as keep fit, it loses its beauty and atracts people who would be better in an arobics class, so no your not being a meany your allowed things of your own,

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dreamthief666

Kharis

Difficult situation. I guess you can only have a word beforehand and ignore her if she starts goofing around. To be honest, your teacher shouldn't allow her to be disruptive and may nip any larking about in the bud. Perhaps have a word with your teacher beforehand. This girl may not even bother coming to class, and often people say this when they experience a haflah but have clay feet when it comes to actually taking a class.

Emma_Williams

Thanks that helps I do get selfish tendancies i know i do over dancing....sometimes i can just be too precious over things.

gisela

I understand your feelings and have had them too in other areas. However, I totally agree with Kharis and I think this is a feeling that one should try and work around. Your question shows that you already have a hunch that it is not ok to act on this feeling. I mean you can't help feeling things but you can choose how to act on them.
Of course one can't stop someone from signing up to a class. But if you have been dancing for two years and she has no experience, can she even be in the same class? And if she can she will probably (hopefully ) feel a bit intimidated once she realizes it is harder than just bumping and grinding. Intimidated in a way that makes her not giggle and chit chat.
BTW you said you had no idea how much you would come to love this dance. It might be the same for her. She might start with wanting to keep fit and end up loving it for what it is.

lizaj

I think you got it in one in your second para.If she's never attended classes before she'd be a lot better doing what you suggested and going to a local class where there will be other beginners. Explain your class has quite experienced dancers in it and she might feel out of her depth. There are other classes she can attend.

You can't blame her for her perception of what belly dance is, seeing as plenty of dancers project such a different image and she attended a performance hafla that was very honestly advertised as fusion platform with tribal, burley-fusion as well as traditional belly dance. You've got a nice job to stick the labels on for her..

Kharis is right you mustn't burst her bubble. She may be really interested and get a lot from the dance ..on the other hand her interest may fade like many initially inspired.

Creaky Old Dancer

Hi Tribal Butterfly. I agree with what has been said before. I have had two instances of where you are now one almost destroyed my love for the dance and classes...the other is improving my fun and actually getting me to think about taking a more advanced class once a month.
Everything depends on the friend. Does the person have their own personality or do they have to glom onto someone elses and then suck the life out of it. Will you be made responsible for that person - is that person jealous/'worshipful' ( sort of a unhealthy admiration) of you - if the answer is yes... put your foot down...say no... firmly but gently you can say that your class is to advanced (even if you are in a beginner class they have levels. - talk to you teacher...she probably has more experience in how to handle this.) But no way no how let this person come to class with you
. Now if this person is really interested in the dance and reasonable you explain to her that in class you are not like you are out of class, you concentrate can be downright grim... that this is your special place and no insult to her you kind of would like to keep it that way but if that person is really interested perhaps you could look into some beginner classes for her(preferably a different style). My friend who goes to classes with me now understands how difficult the dance is... but she still enjoys it - and we have not made it a competition - because she sees that we are different levels. Of course... I do get every so often a wow I wish I could shimmy like my sister kate. But it is with affection. Hope this helps Tribal Butterfly. Creaks