Azeeza

slinks

uh - oh ... Azeeza, Azeeza, Azeeza !!! yes, I know that very thing .. sounds so much like me !! If they can't do it "can you do it, please??" ... ah and how do you say NO !!! I've never had to make 3 dresses at the same time though, only two, one for myself and my dance partner ... as for burning dvds, YES !!! like huh !! just because you have the machinery to do it all, they think they can ask your favours !! no contributing to cds or what-not

One good example = behind the scenes no-one knows that EVERYBODY is asking you and relying on you, and also, that you say yes to one, then they all expect a yes !!

You'll have to start practicing to say, no, it takes practice to do it .. it's not easy .. I've lost a few $$ and time I could have spent with family, through always doing things for other people, in the end I told them "yes I can do it" but you need to be involved, cutting, making coffee and joining in .. preparing for a Hafla should be lots of fun, not the stressful situation it sounds as if you have yourself in......

I feel for you :-) don't shoot yourself yet, it really sounds as though your hands are very full between now and your Hafla, you will need to call those girls and tell them you need their help, otherwise these dresses are just not going to get done in time and if they don't pitch in then they are not worth the trouble ..

I hope I have helped :-)

Azeeza

slinks

Sounds like you need a change of pace !! a new teacher, some new dance partners "if" this happens stand back and watch what all the others do .. go in with "I am an ogre" written on your forehead and they'll leave you alone, lol .. Maybe even dance for yourself at home with dvds for a while, get over this stressful situation .. but whatever you choose to do, don't stop dancing for yourself, it's the means of your release, the dance that is, not the sewing and doing every one elses bidding !!

That dvd episode was plain lazy, for sure !! if she couldn't find it/them why did she have it .. cos she obviously wasn't going to learn anything from it, cos it was "lost" for the time being .. personally from what I can picture with what you have said (I could be wrong) this mob is not a nice mob to be hanging/dancing with, I would've quit that group long ago ...


Don't let yourself suffer the guilt they should be suffering ..

One final note, you are no-body's slave, you are a free person .. keep this in mind and all will be well .. eventually, from what you say it looks as though shit will hit the fan but that is no fault of yours .. the fault lays with those who are dang lazy to pitch in ..

Cheer up, there is a lot worse out there than that, this is what I always think of when I feel an extremely stressed moment coming on ..

I wrote all the above before the PS .. yes if you are going to continue doing these things it would certainly be a good idea to start charging cos you'll find they will change their tune in no time .. a little help never goes astray either ..

Good luck to you Azeeza .. may the sewing be with you .. lol weak I know :-)

Lydia dubai

Azeeza Azeeza!!! Sweety its realy ok to say no...i have been there and still go there if i am not carefull...its always,,dont worrry give me i will do ...and ok no problem i will come...untill i have so much on my plate i start to hyperventelate...and you know what lately i learn in a nice way to say and i make a jook of it ,,sorry dont ask me i am busy this week and i give them a big smile ...and you know what surprise surprise they smile back and say,, ok no problem then i think i can do it myself,,...last week i ask the girls to go and buy 3 yards fabrick for a special veil routine... i told them what to get...the next day i went to the market and passed by the tailorshop my eye fell on ths very pretty fabrick and strait away i was thinking about 1 student she is from Sudan and i tought o this color is realy nice for her ,i called her up from the store asked her would you like me to buy it for you ,,she says o yes please,,,, than i was thinking this is not fair if i bring for her i must bring for everybody...so i stand in the store imagion all the girls and think about what everybody,s taste is enz...and yes of course i bought for everybody,took it to class and said this is a present for the eid holiday,s...so everybody was happy...than ofcourse it hade to be stiched !! so i said if you dont have a machine at home and you dont have a tailor,no problem give it back to me i will stich it for you ...and yes ofcourse all the girls exept 2 said o yes please stich it for me LOL...than i start laughing and everybody start laughing,when i hit my head against the wall so you see i also know that i am alway,s the one that is saying ,,,no problem i will do it for you. we have to be a little ,,clever,, sometime,s and think about ourselve,s its ok...have a nice day ,and smile ,dont shoot yourself!!Lydia

gisela

Ooh Azeeza, I'm so sorry for you! It's so frustrating when you agree to help and stress so much for it and everyone ends up annoyed with you because you didn't fulfill everyones wishes. I have experienced that a lot as well.

You seem to have quite a lot of experience with making costumes and stuff so you would probably be able to calculate approximately how long time you need and what it would cost. I think it's ok if you answer requests with: "Yes, I might be able to do that, but I'll get back to you tomorrow after I calculated IF I have time to do it, how long I would need to do it and how much it would cost."
Then you would get some time to think about it and see if there's something you would be interested in doing.
I think that's also fair for the ones asking you, because once you say yes, they are kind of dependant on you finishing it on time, even if they are ungrateful b****es.

You should definitely start charging for it, but still, even if you get money, you are allowed to say no to unreasonable workload or timeframe.

wish you well and hope you manage. What would that troupe do without you???
gisela

__________________
You need chaos in your soul to create a dancing star-nietzsche

janaki

Big hig to you Azeeza!!! I wish I am there to help you. I know it is stressful but I think you can handle it.

1. Make a timetable of what needs to be done. Separate the items that you have to do from the rest.

2. Be brave and ask for help to do the rest of the work. Explain to them your situation and I am sure they will help. Not knowing your sitaution, may be, everyone is thinking that you have too much free time.

3. When I was a student, I have always made my teachers and fellow students know how much and what I can help with, and I made it very clear about my free times I could spare. Believe me this sets the boundaries for the help you can offering. I never say no, but I make my limits very clear to everyone from the very begining. This is called "defining your boudaries".

I am sure you will come out of it and next time if someone asks soemthing, instead of saying "no" you give them a reason why you can't do it, that way it is easy on all parties.

Hope this helps you a bit.

Hugs n kisses
Janaki

Shanazel

Azeeza, see if you can find a book (probably out of print) called "Getting in Touch With Your Inner Bitch." It is very funny, but also very illuminating. The catch-all phrase suggested for use is, "I don't think so." Can you make four costumes by Friday? I don't think so. Will you burn five dvds for the class? I don't think so. Can my biker pot smoking boyfriend stay at your house for a week while he's under a restraining order and can't contact me? I don't think so.

Unlike Janaki, who gives very good advice, by the way, I don't believe in making excuses. Simply saying, "I don't think so" or "I'm sorry, I can't" is plenty. If someone asks why, repeating, "I simply can't" will eventually wear them down and get across the message of NO in a polite non-aggressive way.

It takes a lot of self-confidence to stand up for yourself, and that is something that comes with time and practice. I still get myself into situations where I am overwhelmed by the demands of other people, and lord knows I've had enough time and experience that I should be able to avoid it. Don't be too hard on yourself.

As for always making costumes: see if you can find a seamstress in town who will make them for a reasonable price. If you need to explain why you aren't making costumes any more, you can say "I simply can't do it any more" and repeat as needed. If you need justification in your own mind, well, by making costumes for free you are undercutting the professionals in your town. You wouldn't do it to another professional dancer, right? Why do it to a professional dressmaker?

Hang in there, sweetie. Shanazel

Aziyade

Azeeza,
I dance with a group of ladies -- a few of which are PERPETUALLY late. I have made a point to just agree to meet wherever, and if they're late, they miss out. I have missed the beginnings of too many shows WAITING on people.

On the other issue, I highly recommend you draft a memo and pass it out to your classmates. They should TOTALLY understand your situation, and if they don't it's just selfishness.

Dear Troupemates:

Due to time constraints, I am no longer able to function as the troupe costumer. I have spoken to "insert name here" who has agreed to help everyone with their costume needs. Please contact her for her rates and timetable. I am willing to help with alterations, design, etc. but must impose the following fees:

(get a list of fees from another seamstress, and only list things you WANT to do. You can charge store price for notions, but add at least 10% for gas and your time.)

If you would like copies of the DVDs of troupe choreographies, I would be happy to burn them for you for the small fee of $3 per DVD to cover time and materials. Or I can make one DVD for our troupe library and you can check it out of the library and make a copy for yourself.

Thank you for understanding. I enjoy dancing with you, and hope that my revised responsibilities will allow me to do more of it!


I would also make it clear to EVERYONE that you only have so much time available for dance-related things. Classes and rehearsals must Start and End on time, and you cannot wait around for everyone else. You have a husband to use as an excuse. "I have to get home for dinner." Let everybody get the hint that you are really busy and that you will SCHEDULE time for them. It may sound harsh, but that's life for modern women.

luisa

It is very very hard to say no to people of some of them can be very persuasive, but the best way to deal with this is to say, I would love to, but I just dont have the time at the moment and I want to do a good job of it for you, not rush it .....or just say cant sew sorry had to pay someone to sew on a button for me............my teacher does not burn cds as she thinks its very disrespectful to the artists who dont get paid that much anyway, so please let them do their little bit, give them a website where they can get cds. They soon stop asking.....smile nicely and say sorry would love to but.......