Hello all,
Let me tell you a bit about this particular problem so you can understand my questions.
1. When I was young I was sent away. I was frequently denied food and starved (NOT KIDDING). When I was old enough to get out I started eating crazy amounts of food that were bad for me, as it had been denied me for so many years.
2. I was homeless once, the second time I starved. I have been near death in starvation more than once, in youth and then when this happened.
3. I grew up fighting (obviously why I was sent away eventually). I found out a few years back that my birth family has muscular dystrophy- all of them do. This messed with my head because I thought my strength was everything. I basically lay down and died I felt so horrible...for about a year until I found out that I didn't have it (it took so long because I couldn't afford the DNA test).
4. I injured my upper right side of my back, wrist, elbow, and neck hauling luggage for a trolley company, in a vain attempt to prove I was still tough even though at the time I thought I was ill. I still feel this today; I am in constant pain. Exercise, even dancing, is terribly painful; when I worked at a deli after slicing some meat I couldn't use my hand anymore and there was horrible pain shooting through my wrist. So, on bad days (which are often) pushups and the like are out, because I can't use my wrist.
5. I am always exhausted when I come home from bus driving. I don't know why this is, as I am not physically doing much...however when I worked at the deli I was never so exhausted. Bus driving can also be a very boring job and when you have to sit for long periods of time you tend to snack, which I notice I do more often now.
6. I am a food addict. I don't know if the first two reasons I listed are why, but I eat it like someone is going to snatch it away from me. I tell myself not to eat things that are bad for me and then in some kind of petulant rage (at myself, for goodness' sake) I go ahead and eat it anyway. If anyone bothers me or comes near me when I am eating I am extremely irritable. If I am hungry I am extremely irritable.
7. I drink. Frequently. Not enough to be an alcoholic but enough to prove that I once lived in Key West, if you get my drift. I don't get sick or anything; it just became a solid part of my life.
What I want to know is this: has anyone else had these problems? The psychological ones seem to be the hardest to deal with. I fear that I will not be able to perform anymore if I keep gaining weight...it's so odd that I used to be a ball of muscle and now I am...not so much.
ANY help or suggestions would be much appreciated!!! I really want to figure out how to lose weight and not regain it because of these issues.
I also wanted to say, separately, that this forum has been a great source of comfort and inspiration for me. Thanks, everyone.
